The Pink Fog

I was recently speaking to the partner of a cross-dresser who was having some issues. Among them was the fact that, once her partner had ‘come out’ to her and she had shown some initial acceptance and understanding, her partner began to dress up, buy clothes, use makeup and talk about crossdressing a lot more openly. So much so that it began to worry and upset her to the point where she needed to speak to someone to get things off her chest. When I mentioned that this is quite a regular occurrence among cross-dressers who have recently told a loved one about their ‘hobby’, and was commonly known in certain circles as the ‘Pink Fog’, she was quite surprised and relieved.

‘The Pink Fog’ (as far as I can tell from the perspective of a partner to a cross-dresser) is a phenomenon where, once the cat is out of the bag and a partner has shown some type of understanding (however cautious), the cross-dresser feels such a sense of relief to have gotten the secret off their chest, and joy that they have not been completely rejected, that they begin to explore this side of themselves a lot more openly and frequently. While this fog can be an extremely joyful and giddy time for the cross-dresser, it can be a time of worry and concern for the partner.

It can be quite a role reversal at first. Whereas, before the ‘big reveal’ the cross-dresser was perhaps scared and apprehensive about the future and the partner was blissfully unaware of any issues, the period afterwards can cause the cross-dresser to be full of excitement while the partner is now worried about this strange new behaviour.

Why would this cause a partnerso much concern? In order to illustrate, I hope you will allow me to use the words of one of our wise Seahorse members who once wrote this advice to another member on the Seahorse forum:

Avoid the ‘pink fog’; when you feel the genie is out of the bottle so you can now be ‘out’ in a big way. Remember how long it took you to get to this point. Allow for the fact that she too will need time to come to grips with what you’ve told her.

I believe this hits the nail on the head. Quite often, a cross-dresser will spend weeks, months or even years thinking about their cross-dressing, wondering if they are ‘normal’, worrying about the effect this may have on any future relationships, and slowly exploring and coming to terms with this side of themselves. Eventually, the lucky ones reach a stage of acceptance where they feel ready to reveal this side of themselves to the person or people they love. These lucky ones will hopefully be able to explain themselves to a partner or family who is at least willing to try to understand, however frightening this news may have been to them. The partner or family might walk away from the conversation full of apprehension, and even perhaps full of questions they just can’t bring themselves to ask yet. They will need time to process the information, coming to terms with one thing at a time until they have a complete grip on the situation. Just as the cross-dresser needed months or years to understand themselves, so will the partner or family need probably just as much time to come to the same level of understanding.

Unfortunately, this is where ‘The Pink Fog’ comes in to play. The cross-dresser, having not been completely rejected as they may have feared, believes they can now dress up as often as they like, because they no longer have to hide. Just like a child with a new toy at Christmas, they may want to carry this news around with them all the time, talk about it with their partner at every opportunity, daydream about outings and outfits, and openly watch movies or documentaries about people in similar situations. Meanwhile, the partner or family has just watched their loved one almost change personality overnight – they are suddenly constantly dressing up, buying clothes or makeup or talking about things that they have never shown so much as a hint of interest in before.  This person has just gone from 0-100 in 5 seconds flat! It can feel as though they are suddenly a completely different person (which totally goes against the oft-used argument ‘Yes, I do like to dress up, but I’m still the same person I was before!!’)

Many partners, upon hearing the news from a cross-dresser, thinks to themselves ‘Well, maybe I can handle this, if he doesn’t plan to do it every day’. While the cross-dresser often thinks ‘Wow! So glad that’s over! Maybe I can dress up a bit more often now!’. The two ideas do not always gel. A partner needs to understand where this new-found enthusiasm is coming from and be prepared for it as much as they can. At the same time, the cross-dresser needs to understand where their partner’s apprehension is coming from and curb their enthusiasm if they sense it is creating tension. It will take time for both parties to be completely comfortable with this new revelation and its effect on your relationship. Patience (which, I must admit, I don’t always do very well at myself!) is something you will both need.

Looking on the bright side

The Seahorse Society’s website has some interesting and helpful information for the partners of cross-dressers. One of my favourite sections is the list of 45 reasons why having a cross-dresser for a partner can be an advantage: http://www.seahorsesoc.org/partners/advantages.html

I always try to look on the bright side of life, and this list is right up my alley, but I know there are some partners who are not yet at the point where they can agree with or understand some of the items on the list. So I thought I would highlight the points that jump out at me and go into a bit more detail.

             1.    You can have your own private slumber parties.

Personally, one of the best ways for Lucie and I to de-stress after a tough day or week is to climb into some comfy pyjamas, each lots of junk food, throw on a girly DVD and paint each other’s nails or give each other facials. Really old-fashioned sleep-over type stuff. But when I was still getting used to Lucie’s cross-dressing, this idea would have scared me! I didn’t want my husband to be so girly all the time. I missed having a stubble-faced man to snuggle into at the end of the day. What if I encouraged this type of ‘girly’ behaviour and he liked it so much he wanted to do it all the time? I have since learned that many cross-dressers enjoy and want to express their masculine side just as much as their feminine side, and the occasional treat such as a slumber party is able to remain just that – a treat that is saved for a special occasion or particularly stressful week.

             2.    He always envies you because he would rather be wearing what you are wearing.

This can actually be perceived as a negative by some partners. When their husband compliments them on their appearance, they worry that their husband isn’t sincere at all, but rather is just imagining themselves in that outfit instead. We need to be honest here – sometimes, your husband might be imagining themselves in that outfit! But that does not detract from that fact that he also thinks you look damn sexy. Any envy your husband feels is not malicious. He is not thinking that he would look so much better than you. He is envious because, in the words of one of our members – ‘She looks so much better and more feminine than I ever will, no matter how hard I try!’.

            3.    He doesn’t mind waiting while you take your time shopping. This also relates to point number 40 – He loves to go shopping with you and watch you try on clothes

I LOVE this about Lucie. If I was putting these points in order, this would be number 1. Lucie wouldn’t be caught dead on a ‘husband chair’ outside a fashion store! Not only does Lucie love going clothes shopping, he really cares about how I look as well and gives me an honest opinion when we go shopping, rather than the ‘I don’t know! You look fine!’ I hear some husbands saying to their wives.

The other side to this point is that, while Lucie loves to go shopping for feminine clothes, she often hates shopping for men’s clothes. And I don’t blame her! They can be such boring colours (another blue shirt, anyone?). I have found that it is possible sometimes to get more daring and unusual colours in some store, so I encourage Lucie to experiment with her male wardrobe when she’s feeling brave. Society is a lot more accepting of a man in a pink shirt these days!

               4.    You can double your wardrobe if he’s the same size as you! This also relates to point number 30 – You can borrow his jewellery, clothes and makeup.

From speaking to quite a few different partners of cross-dressers, I can tell you that opinion is pretty much evenly split on this topic! Some women, myself included, don’t mind sharing their clothes. Some couples don’t buy ‘his’ or ‘hers’ when shopping for female clothes, but rather ‘ours’, and as long as you both communicate well (so one of you doesn’t wear the dress the other one planned to wear to that party), this can work well. To others, it’s one thing they will probably never accept. Personally, I believe there is no right or wrong in this situation. I think that if you feel extremely strongly against sharing your clothes, your husband will need to accept this and move on.

One thing to remember – whatever rules you put into place need to go both ways. If you cannot allow him to borrow your things, you can’t expect him to let you borrow his if he has an issue with it. I do believe compromise is always a good thing though, so if you do feel ready to make some allowances, why not try with smaller items such as costume jewellery, makeup or other toiletries and see how you feel?

           8. He’ll rarely have that scratchy five o-clock shadow

Some women would be thrilled with the idea of no more stubble-rash. Others love a bit of hair on a man’s face and find it really attractive. They worry that their husband will never let his facial hair grow anymore, and they miss that rugged-man feeling when they hug their husband. Some cross-dressers look into permanent ways of removing their facial hair, which can be scary for a partner who has witnessed many changes in a small amount of time. Be honest with your husband and let him know how you feel. Perhaps ask him to grow the hair out a bit between shaves so you can get a good perve in every now and then.

            17. He is a lot easier to buy gifts for

YES! I totally agree with this one. No more time wasted worrying about what to buy for Christmas, birthdays or anniversaries. For Lucie, I still have the ‘masculine’ options like hardware store vouchers or bottles of Jack Daniels, but I can also go nuts buying jewellery, makeup, perfume or clothes. And for the friends who know about Lucie, they also have a few more options.

            29. You have even more excuses to go shopping, and he will even carry the bags

After speaking to a few partners of cross-dressers, I realised that while a shared experience of shopping can help a couple to bond, sometimes the issue of money spent on female clothes for the cross-dresser can be an issue. Some partners wonder why they should spend money on female clothes that may not ever get worn in public.

Some couples have found it helpful to set a budget for the cross-dresser’s female wardrobe if the couple is unable or unwilling to share clothes. Also, the Seahorse Society often have ‘trash and treasure’ nights where people bring their unwanted clothes and swap them for other people’s unwanted clothes. These sorts of events are great, because you can get a whole lot of new clothes for free, plus get rid of things you don’t want anymore. If you can’t get along to any of these events, why not consider hosting your own with close friends or family? Any clothes left behind can be donated to a local charity.

 

I hope these points have been somewhat helpful, however feel free to leave a comment if you have an opinion about any of the other points on the list. Perhaps one of the other points really strikes a chord with you and reflects your personal experiences? Tell us about it!

Cross-dressing and secrecy

Hi All.

My name is Amy. My husband has been a member of the Seahorse Society for about a year and a half. I hope to be a regular contributer to this blog. I hope you like my first entry!

Cross-dressing and Secrecy

The partner or loved-one of a cross-dresser is often a person who has dealt with a lot of secrecy in their lives.

For many, the cross-dresser has been keeping a secret from themselves for a long time. For those also in a relationship, there is the secret they have been keeping from their partner for weeks, months or years. There are the secrets their partner keeps from them, perhaps when fearful of expressing their full and honest feelings, thoughts and fears. And there are the secrets the couple keep from the rest of the world.

When my significant other, Lucie (I’ll refer to her as female to save confusion), told me about their cross-dressing, it was not in a time or place of their own choosing. Being young (19 y.o.) I had discovered evidence of cross-dressing in her bedroom and decided to confront her about it. She was not happy about being found out. In her typical fashion, she shut down completely and refused to talk about it. I had to soothe her and assure her that I was not going to leave her; I just wanted to know the truth.

Before I was even ‘on the scene’, before she had even reached adulthood, Lucie was keeping a secret from herself. She had suffered from depression as a teenager, which was expressed as anger and aggression, causing her mother to take her to a counsellor.  But when faced with a counsellor wanting to help, she was unable to admit (even to herself) that her gender-questioning and secret cross-dressing was one of the main reasons for her behaviour.

By the time I came along, Lucie had been cross-dressing in secret at home for years, and had a small collection of clothes hidden away in her room. It was through pure chance (and, ok, I admit – I’m a snoop!) that I found them and began to put two-and-two together

Once Lucie had admitted to me that she liked to express her feminine side by dressing up, we had some rough times. I don’t recall any fights as such, but I was worried, scared, insecure and unsure exactly what this ‘hobby’ would mean for our relationship. Luckily, we had only been together for somewhere between 6 and 12 months, therefore the revelation was not as upsetting as it could have been. I can only imagine the courage, love and understanding it requires for a cross-dresser to ‘come out’ to their loved ones after a number of years, let alone for the partner to try to accept and move forward.

I don’t know how long Lucie would have kept things a secret if she had been given the choice. For her to keep this secret long-term would, I’m sure, have created a large strain on the relationship. I strongly believe that someone should be able to be themselves in their own home. If Lucie and I had married without my knowing about her cross-dressing, she would always feel like she was unable to be herself, and would still have to cross-dress in secret. The stress and worry it would have caused her would most likely have had a negative impact upon her behaviour with me. I am extremely grateful that Lucie is able to be herself around me.

Lucie’s and my relationship became stronger through a routine of compromise and communication. I placed some fairly heavy restrictions around Lucie’s cross-dressing at first, which she accepted, and I am very thankful that she didn’t complain or try to push the boundaries. As it was, I would always end up ‘getting over’ whatever fear I had and allowing her a bit more freedom anyway. For example, for some reason it helped me to restrict what colours Lucie could wear. I was happy for her to wear white and pink, but yellow and purple were off-limits. They were my favourite colours, and I didn’t want to share them. Lucie accepted this and stuck to the rules, until one day I came home with a present for her – a yellow piece of clothing. ‘Are you sure?’ Lucie asked. ‘Yeah, it’s ok, I’m over it now’ I replied. We’re at the point now where we can share clothes, and I help Lucie with her hair and makeup. To be honest, I think I’ll be sad when the day comes that Lucie no longer needs my help! I hope she humours me and asks for help anyway. J

One of the times we did have problems was when Lucie would hide something from me, no matter how small. Usually these secrets were small purchases of clothes or makeup. Lucie worried that I would be upset with her for spending money, so sometimes she would hide the fact from me. When I found out, a fight always ensued. The fact that Lucie hid something so small as the purchase of a $30 t-shirt made me worry that she was also keeping bigger and more sinister facts from me. Occasionally, these omissions were not on purpose – Lucie would simply forget to tell me she had bought something. But I would still get upset and worried. The keeping of one secret always makes people wonder what else they are not being told.

I would keep my secrets too. For a long time, I worried that Lucie would decide she wanted to live as a female full-time. I did not want to lose my husband, and was unsure how I would cope with everyone around me finding out about Lucie. I would also worry about all sorts of small things – When Lucie complimented me in my new dress just then, was she really just saying that she wants to try the dress on? What if Lucie was at home dressed and my friends or family dropped by unexpectedly? What if Lucie was en femme in public and some mis-informed person was unkind or violent towards her? I would keep all these worries to myself, not wanting to add to Lucie’s stress or let her think that I wanted her to change into someone she wasn’t. Keeping these secrets would just result in me getting irrationally upset at some small detail – ‘Why did you have to wear those earrings? I wanted to wear them!’. Our relationship is at its best when we are communicating regularly and honestly.

So now that I know about Lucie’s cross-dressing, she knows about my worries, and there is barely anything we don’t tell each other, life should be easy, right? Not quite.

We have told a few friends about Lucie. So far, they have all been wonderfully accepting, kind and loving. But there are a lot of people in our lives who have no idea that my Mr Fix-It, speak-his-mind-no-matter-what-you-think-of-him husband is also a cross-dresser. I don’t know how some people would react, and I don’t think I want to find out in a hurry. So we are very careful about where we go when Lucie is en-femme, and we have to be careful not to mention things like going to Seahorse meetings or other events. I still worry every time I am out in public with Lucie. The more open Lucie and I are with each other about cross-dressing, and the more active we are with the Seahorse Society, the harder it is to remember that we are keeping a rather large secret from most people in our lives.

I have some cousins I am fairly close to, and I toy with the idea of telling them about Lucie. But that raises another question in my mind: By telling some family members or friends but not others, I am asking those in the know to keep a secret as well. Is that a fair thing to do? Especially when they don’t know what the secret is before they agree to keep it. Mine and my husband’s names might never come up in conversation when they are talking to the rest of the family, but there might be situations when they have to watch what they say. Would they prefer to be told the secret, and feel grateful that we trust them, or would they prefer to remain ignorant so they don’t have to lie, even if it is only by omission? How many people need to be affected by the keeping of one secret?

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